Thursday, October 23, 2008

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and my friends from school lately. For the most part I really liked them and enjoyed being their friends but a lot of my memories tend to be tainted with something that is a little uncomfortable or off. Of course in middle school, we all liked the same band, but had to like different members of the band so as not to encroach on the other girls' territory. The guy I "liked" I didn't really like because my friends would be mad if I let my true feelings be known. My whole life seemed to be about pleasing my friends and changing myself so I would be liked. When I look back, I realize that I might have been the group joke. I was never as smart or as pretty or as well off as the rest of the group and was constantly putting myself down and making myself into a joke to ingratiate myself with the other girls. I took everything I wished I was and turned it around into a joke. I was a horrible singer, the world's worst ballet dancer, and a lover of the guy in our favorite band that no one else liked.

In seventh grade, my friends all dumped me for no good reason that I could see. No one spoke with me or interacted with me for a whole year. It hurt me so bad. There I was, trying to be everything to those people to no avail. During that time, I lost who I was and wondered if I would ever figure out who I was supposed to be. Unfortunately, I still have no idea who I am or what I am supposed to do with my life. I honestly believe that those years of my life formed a lot of who I believe myself to be today. A lot of the struggles I have had with myself really stemmed from those experiences.

I don't have a lot of self-confidence or belief in myself. If I had more, I wouldn't have believed the Sergeant in the Army that told me that nobody liked me because I thought I was better than everyone else (when the opposite was true). She made me believe I was worthless and deserved to be treated like dirt.

I'm so scared of rejection, I don't want to put myself into a position where I could succeed. I'm scared of trying to sell my jewelry outside of my Etsy shop, scared to try to share my creativity with the wider world. It's easier to sit at home with 20 pieces of new jewelry that hasn't been photographed or put online and say it's because I'm lazy. The truth is I am terrified that the things I create and are so very personal to me will be rejected by the outside world and it will feel like a rejection of me.

Sorry to be such a downer in this post, but I really want to use this blog to track my progress in both the craft world and my life. Right now the two are very closely intertwined and my success in the craft world is dependent on success in myself and belief in myself.


hk said...

thank you for sharing this!

I think as long as you stay truthful to yourself, you will be ok. Even if you are not sure who you are, just stay true.

Always try to create stuff that you love, not just stuff you think other people will like.

Anyway, it sounds like a trying time. Just sending you some hugs!


Aaron said...

One of the reasons I've admired you for years was because you seemed, to me, to be that rare breed who is who she is and damn anyone else's opinion.

Despite what you're saying here, you will always be someone to look up to and one of the coolest people I know.

This is coming from someone who knows how it feels to be the "other one" in a group (see: Lights)

You rock, big sister!

Heather Wardell said...

PLEASE run, do not walk, to a bookstore (or your computer) and get "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. I was afraid to send my novels out into the world, and this book saved me. Not yet published but able to handle sending them out now. It's a great 12-week course-in-a-book and it'll change how you see yourself and your creativity forever.

Heather (SapphireNinja from Ravelry)

Lauria @ Brackenbury Lane said...

Seventh grade was just as awful for me!

I had two "best friends" who at one point in time decided that they were in a fight with me. I don't even know what the fight was about. I'm so glad now that they are both out of my life. One of them made up terrible rumors about me in high school. The other one dubbed me "the most annoying girl she'd ever met" on her blog. Ugh. Some great friends, huh? I wish that I had seen that there were other girls out there who would have welcomed me into their group without nearly as much of the backbiting and evil behavior I experienced. It wasn't until 10th grade that I was able to connect with those friends and by then I was getting ready to leave high school and go to college!

I can understand how debilitating depression is. I wish that it were just an easy thing to get help for, but the very situation makes it so difficult do anything about! I've recently started on a low dose of an anti-depressant, which I know has helped some, but I also think I have a problem with anxiety that needs additonal help. Good luck on being able to the past behind you and being able to move forward as a person and a woman!