I have been busy making gifts for birthdays and for Christmas. I sent my sister-in-law her gift and she loved it so I can finally post pictures here.

The fingerless gloves and hat are my very first venture into Fair Isle.  I think it turned out pretty good and I need to start working on more complicated Fair Isle patterns.  I'll have to wait until after the holidays though.

I've been thinking a lot about my childhood and my friends from school lately. For the most part I really liked them and enjoyed being their friends but a lot of my memories tend to be tainted with something that is a little uncomfortable or off. Of course in middle school, we all liked the same band, but had to like different members of the band so as not to encroach on the other girls' territory. The guy I "liked" I didn't really like because my friends would be mad if I let my true feelings be known. My whole life seemed to be about pleasing my friends and changing myself so I would be liked. When I look back, I realize that I might have been the group joke. I was never as smart or as pretty or as well off as the rest of the group and was constantly putting myself down and making myself into a joke to ingratiate myself with the other girls. I took everything I wished I was and turned it around into a joke. I was a horrible singer, the world's worst ballet dancer, and a lover of the guy in our favorite band that no one else liked.

In seventh grade, my friends all dumped me for no good reason that I could see. No one spoke with me or interacted with me for a whole year. It hurt me so bad. There I was, trying to be everything to those people to no avail. During that time, I lost who I was and wondered if I would ever figure out who I was supposed to be. Unfortunately, I still have no idea who I am or what I am supposed to do with my life. I honestly believe that those years of my life formed a lot of who I believe myself to be today. A lot of the struggles I have had with myself really stemmed from those experiences.

I don't have a lot of self-confidence or belief in myself. If I had more, I wouldn't have believed the Sergeant in the Army that told me that nobody liked me because I thought I was better than everyone else (when the opposite was true). She made me believe I was worthless and deserved to be treated like dirt.

I'm so scared of rejection, I don't want to put myself into a position where I could succeed. I'm scared of trying to sell my jewelry outside of my Etsy shop, scared to try to share my creativity with the wider world. It's easier to sit at home with 20 pieces of new jewelry that hasn't been photographed or put online and say it's because I'm lazy. The truth is I am terrified that the things I create and are so very personal to me will be rejected by the outside world and it will feel like a rejection of me.

Sorry to be such a downer in this post, but I really want to use this blog to track my progress in both the craft world and my life. Right now the two are very closely intertwined and my success in the craft world is dependent on success in myself and belief in myself.

Moving is no longer a certainty.  The way Patrick's job has been going, he will only be in Bangor a week or so a month.  So far this month, he has been there two days.  He was in Atlanta last week, he is in Dodge City, Kansas this week and will be back in Atlanta next week.  I miss him a lot.  This weekend we are planning on going to see the Art Nouveau jewelry exhibit at the Museum of Fine Art in Boston.  Anything we can do to make our limited time together "quality" time.  

Yesterday, I took Saffron to the Howl-o-ween Party at Petsmart.  She had a great time.  She was the smallest dog there, but was not shy in meeting the other dogs at all.  Some of the big dogs were actually scared of her.  It was kind of funny.  She wore her pumpkin shirt.  There were a lot of other pumpkin dogs so she didn't win the costume contest.  The dog that won was a Chinese Crested dressed as a biker.  He was actually wearing leather chaps and doggles.  I think he totally deserved the win.  Saffy passed out asleep when we got home.  All of the meeting and greeting wore her out.  Next week, Saffy and I are starting beginner obedience class.  

Been working on trying to get the house straightened up.  It is so messy.  All of the flat surfaces are covered in papers and junk and I have to go through everything.  I'm also working hard on Christmas gifts.

This past weekend was absolutely beautiful.  Patrick and I were naughty and took a break from working around the house and went to the Milford Pumpkin Festival.  I decided that Saffy should get out of the house after her traumatic spaying experience.  She was healed enough and no longer wearing her cone so she was very happy to be out on the town.  Because it was the Pumpkin Festival, I decided that Saffy needed an appropriate outfit for the occasion, so I whipped up a little pumpkin shirt with some polar fleece, felt, and velcro.  She didn't seem to mind it at all and was a huge hit at the festival.  

Here's a picture of Saffy in her new shirt meeting a new friend: Rebecca the Irish Wolfhound.

Lots of craftiness going on lately.  The major projects being the kitchen and the bathroom.  All the full-sized tiles in the rooms are laid and lot of the cut tiles are also down.  I have grouted about half of the kitchen.  I am pretty tired out from all this work.  I need to paint the upstairs bathrooms and the hallway once I am done downstairs.  

Here's a before and during of the kitchen.  The before was taken after Patrick cut some of the backerboard in the house.  It raised a lot of dust.  

I'm amazed how much brighter and cleaner the kitchen looks with the paint and the new appliances.  We do have an over the stove microwave/hood combo to install.  I'm very pleased with how everything is turning out.  

In actual craft news, I finished Patrick's socks as well as the Monkey socks I was working on.  

I have also started work on my many many Christmas projects.   None of which will be posted here until after the holiday of course.  

Since this economy has been really fun lately and I have no idea if we are moving to Maine or staying here. . .  I will be signing up with a temp agency soon to try to make a little extra money.  I will be living in NH for the time being, but may need to put the house on the market in the near future.  Right now, my deepest wish is for there to be a little certainty in my life.  Oh well.